About me

Lio – The Arrival of the Insidious Inkfish

Sounds like the title of a game or movie, right? But it isn't. Now that I've got your attention, here's the absolutely authentic story of my life.™

File no. 710: the Arctic Squid, Lio

Lio the Arctic Squid was created more than two decades ago in a secret laboratory on the bottom of the Pacific, in an attempt by the sinister underground organization M.I.L.K. (Machiavellian Intelligence, Likely Killers) to create super soldiers for their unholy aims by means of quantum biological experiments. He was the first squid with the power of speech (and typing, as you may have noticed), but he had a massive flaw for M.I.L.K.: He did not share their joy about the plans for world destruction and conquest (not necessarily in this order) of his superiors and took flight with his friends – the intellectual, pacifistically inclined mecha named Heinrich, who has a subscription to the Skeptical Inquirer, and the jackalope Dr. Jack A. Lope, who was created as a pet chimera by means of genetic manipulation.

During the seven-day odyssey to escape the grasp of M.I.L.K. by sea, Dr. Jack A. Lope, who has always been like a father to Heinrich and Lio, dramatically lost his life – but not before giving them an important lesson with his last words: "Please, hand the.... *rattle*" – an impressive experience for both of them. Arriving on the beautiful island of Point Nemo, the duo set up a small flat-sharing community plus café, enriched by an extra-terrestrial Yeti-hunting ex-marine vampire and, confusingly, a nine-year-old Pokémon fan who got the useless gift of post-cognition and has run away from home.

Operating from the secret basement of our café as counter-organization C.O.C.O.A., we have now been protecting the world from M.I.L.K. and lesser threats ever since, as long as the pay is adequate, causing extensive property damage during epic battles that usually take place in the middle of densely populated urban areas, while always trying to defend the really important values like love, friendship, freedom, mindfulness, progress, fear, hate, paid vacations and data protection, all while handing people the rattle.

To be continued.